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Saturday, March 24, 2007

Not Now, Dear, I've Just Been Killed By a High-Powered Rifle

Recently, a 20-year-old man was arrested in Wisconsin for having sex with a dead deer. Scott Adams has already commented on some of the ironies and difficulties of this situation, but he missed one additional dimension of the crime, probably because he does not live here. See, I think additional charges should be levied against the perpetrator for Gross Inconsideration of the Stereotyping of Others (GISO).

Did the guy who had sex with the dead deer stop to think that what he's doing slanders all the others of us who live in Wisconsin, by encouraging people from other states to think that Wisconsin is a backward place where people do things like bugger dead deer? I feel harmed by that, and I think he should pay extra because of it, when it comes time to atone for the crime.

GISO statutes should be set up for other acts and crimes that blatantly conform to stereotypes, too. For instance, when a black person actually steals a watermelon, or a boss has an affair with his secretary, or a Jewish person does something that is outrageously money-grubbing, or a photographer agressively hits on an underage model, it is not just that one act that should be punished, but the harm done by reinforcing, yet again, stereotypes that are already hoary and jaded. Chris Rock said in one of his bits that when a crime is reported on TV, he thinks to himself, please don't let it be a young black man! It's always a young black man! When the criminal turns out to be a young black man, hasn't he harmed Chris Rock as well as his victim? Young black men should be thinking, yeah, sure, I could pull a knife and steal that kid's Air Jordans, but wouldn't it be more refreshing for everyone if I were to buy a latte and settle in with the latest Malcolm Gladwell title instead?

I was walking down the street once with my brother, and a dog trotted by heading for a fire hydrant. As the dog lifted its leg and peed on the fire hydrant, my brother rolled his eyes and said, "God, that is such a cliché." Polygamy doesn't really do much harm to the public reputation in, say, Hawaii, but shouldn't a guy think twice before doing it in Utah? Nobody should walk around in public dressed in greasy pin-striped coveralls spattered with pig blood, but it's a greater affront to decency when they're dressed that way shambling down a dirt road in rural Virginia. Racist petty-dictator sheriffs are bad anywhere, but especially Texas.

Having sex with a dead deer would strike me as being a less serious crime in, say, New Mexico, or Florida. Nobody is going to think less of Santa Fe because of it, or persistently connect such an act to the recreational opportunities in Orlando. But here in Wisconsin we are more vulnerable to unfavorable modifications of our national reputation, since, apart from cheese (and California now makes more of it), beer (Schlitz, Blatz, Pabst—all gone now) and the Packers (who haven't exactly set the NFL on fire in recent years), we really don't have a national reputation. What little we have is easily sullied. Whatever the deer-buggerer's penalty was, it should be upped by another 50%, sez me, for—pardon the expression—the stain on the honor of the State.

Posted by: MIKE JOHNSTON

23 Comments:

Blogger Bill Stormont said...

Start a rumor that the perverted hunter is originally from Mississippi: pretty believable and hopefully folks forget that Wisconsin was mentioned in the story. Mississippi's guvnur signed abortion legislation this week that doesn't include an exception for incest...hey, we're all cousins, right?...so that deer may have been a relative anyway. Here's one person who won't be thinking Wisconsin is anything but beautiful.

10:15 AM  
Blogger James Meeks said...

Don't forget Wisconsin's open season on kitties!

10:21 AM  
Blogger MJFerron said...

I'm surprised it didn't happen in the backwoods of Maine Mike. I moved from there to Texas and must say Texas is a very friendly place. No ecounters with tough sheriffs either. ;0 Then again I seldom leave the Austin metro area.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Stephen said...

Whenever I see TV shows or movies set in Texas I am made to believe that everyone there wears chaps, cowboy hats and boots. And talks in a heavy drawl and is overweight as well.

Funny thing though, when I walk outside my Central Texas home I see very, very little of that.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Damon said...

Having grown up in Wisconsin, I can speak to this. I never thought that people from Wisconsin had a particular reputation for deer necrophilia, though I do think some of the more baroque and psychologically twisted crimes have been perpetrated in Wisconsin - think Ed Gein and Jeffery Dahmer. In that context, I think Bryan James Hathaway kinda fits since it turns out that he's something of an animal serial killer (a horse the first time). Nasty Nasty Nasty...

12:12 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

:) heh heh

Some places bring the reputation upon themselves. IE: The scots cloning their favorite porn star, Dolly.

Baa

12:37 PM  
Blogger Andrew Forrester said...

Dolly was created for the Welsh who have a particular love for wooly backs

What do you call a field full of sheep in Wales?
A leisure Centre

What do you call a Welshman with four sheep?
A pimp

What is the name for a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales?
A brothel

Baaa

3:13 PM  
Blogger Peter Smith said...

I miss seeing any connection to photography in this topic. Did the blog change genre?

3:20 PM  
Blogger chas3stix said...

Wouldn't it be nice if states could adopt the slogan, "Famous for Nothing"? I ate at a restaurant once that had that slogan on their menu. BTW the food was great!

3:23 PM  
Blogger tony said...

Assuming they can read :)

3:42 PM  
Blogger Max said...

I'm very amused because I just came back from Patagonia and it's a very common tale that during long patagonian winters sheepherders do take some liberties at work. I was going to make some joke about it, but now I read what others wrote about the welsh. And I remember there are a lot of welsh colonies in Patagonia.
Well, I've lived in such places, and known very sweet people that did have some very weird family ties. I wouldn't make another "Deliverance" out of it.
"City folk!" - Curly Washburn, City Slickers

3:45 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

I don't think it really matters were this would have happened, some people would still use it to stereotypes. If it were in a "blue state", it would be those selfish, liberal hedonists. If it were in a "red state", it would be those idiot, inbred hicks. Most people who have lived more than one place in their life know better though, that lunacy knows no boundaries.

There was also the recent case in California of the guy who covered himself in molasses (I think) and oats, and then snuck onto a horse farm.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

@Andrew Forrester

LMAO!

I heard many sheep related jokes pointed towards the Scottish when I was in Ireland. I heard many Scottish coworkers point the sheep jokes towards the Welsh. I haven't had a chance to talk to a Welsh person from Wales (I'm welsh but never been there) so for all I know, they take the credit. :]

4:12 PM  
Blogger Mike Johnston said...

"I miss seeing any connection to photography in this topic. Did the blog change genre?"

Yes, it's all about roadkill from now on. Tomorrow: forty ways to fix raccoon.

--Mike

4:16 PM  
Blogger dyathink said...

'we really don't have a national reputation'..

Wait, Wisconsin's still famous for cheese, specifically cheddar..i mean, it could be worse....you could be famous for toxic waste dumps like NJ..quitcherbitchin, i'd say..don't let one bad bacteria spoil the curd.

10:13 PM  
Blogger Randall said...

Perhaps instantly stereotyping Mississippians (see first comment) could qualify as a GISO. Contrary to popular thought not all of us are hayseeds or perverts. Forgive me for being a bit sensitive on the subject but we get tired of the stereotypes too.

I would direct you to this website for enlightenment.
http://www.mississippibelieveit.com/

By the way, Mr. Stormont's comments may apply to our guvner. He is former a tobacco lobbyist who just killed a proposal in this state to raise the taxes on cigarettes while halving the tax on groceries. He's clearly a man who has his priorities in order.

11:05 PM  
Blogger Rocky Sharwell said...

The guy was on probation for killing or trying to kill a horse to have sex with it..I kid you not.

11:31 PM  
Blogger Art said...

Obviously too many brandy manhattans combined with long winters.

6:03 AM  
Blogger Max said...

Why did he want to kill these animals? Because he wanted to have sex with dead animals or because he couldn't convince them into having consensual sex?
Some men can't stand rejection, you know.

8:12 AM  
Blogger Robert Roaldi said...

Wow, necrophilic bestiality. I wonder what would show up on a google search of that?

9:12 AM  
Blogger cabrabesol said...

Funny read about this a few days ago in "the register", the UK version is amusing.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/03/22/deer_man_convicted/

11:28 AM  
Blogger Mike Johnston said...

"Wow, necrophilic bestiality. I wonder what would show up on a google search of that?"

Robert,
YOU try. *I* sure ain't gonna.

--Mike

12:32 PM  
Blogger m. said...

Isn't the guy from Superior? That's practically Minnesota. I think they should take some of the blame here.

11:20 PM  

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